Not Enough Babies Are Pooping

More than a year ago Kimberly-Clark, makers of "Huggies" diapers, announced it was closing the Corporation's Lakeview diaper plant and eliminating 510 jobs. In June of last year Kimberly-Clark laid off 105 employees. Some of those whose jobs were eliminated took early retirement. We don't know how many of those came to the Keys.

However, obviously the demand for diapers must have slowed. How can that be? Are babies pooping less? Although there may be fewer babies pooping, there is still plenty of poop in Key West. Maybe Kimberly-Clark could avoid more layoffs by providing diapers for all the chickens here in Key West - a kind of killing two birds with one diaper idea. Kimberly-Clark sells more diapers; Key West has less chicken poop. Everyone wins.

If the chickens are diapered, the chicken shelter the Assistant City Manager was once trying to build will never make it to the Superfund cleanup list no matter whether the chickens are rounded up, have escaped, been stolen or secretly released. Diapering beats trying to kidnap or kill them. Besides, diapers for the chickens certainly have a better chance with the City Commissioners than Truman Annex.

Maybe there will even be some left over diapers large enough to fit some of the commissioners who seem to be acting like chickens lately, now that elections are almost upon us. After all, if astronauts can wear diapers, why not the Commissioners?

For that matter, why not the TAMPOA Board and its lawyers. It may give them the stamina they'll need to sit through yet another round of mediation with the City come late October. Oh yes, in case you hadn't heard, thanks to being in federal court -- that brilliant idea hatched by the Board's lawyers and launched last February -- there is now to be more mediation with the City that wouldn't honor the first mediated agreement.

So we do hope, however, that they all (Commissioners, Board members, and lawyers for all sides, including the Navy) order their diapers early -- we wouldn't want any more workers to lose their jobs for lack of diaper demand. Besides, we've noticed that one size of diaper doesn't seem to fit all and some folks may need extra large, especially with the election and then the mediation coming. At the mediation alone there's likely to be enough methane generated to fill a greenhouse. When added to what will have been produced by the candidates and the BS generated during the election cycle, the need for diapers seems obvious. Who knows? Diapers may help the candidates contain themselves. As for the Board and lawyers? They're hopeless, unless, of course, the diapers were to be worn over their mouths.

Timed Sex

Fort Lauderdale Mayor Jim Naugle says the city should buy a $250,000 robotic toilet for the beach because it has a timer that would prevent gays from having sex there according to a question being asked in a recent poll. What does the robot do when time's up? Ask R2-D2 to lock the door? Is this guy on the right star ship?

Retraining A Dying Breed

If you've got a gator in your yard and need someone to wrestle it, you may be out of luck in a few years. Alligator wrestlers are becoming in short supply.

But if alligator procreation has slowed down, which we doubt, the population of iguanas seems to be growing. There are now lots of these suckers on Stock Island, and they're moving west. These things grow to six feet and appear to have no predators. Moreover they can stand upright on their hind legs. That's quite a sight and, for the uninitiated can be quite scary. While we've never seen it, folks say there is a very large orange iguana that hangs out near the Florida Keys Community College on Stock Island.

In some places residents have complained iguanas have eaten every plant in sight and have devastated gardens and landscaping. Soon there may be a need for -- you've got it -- iguana wrestlers.

Perhaps the Florida Legislature as part of its Pork Projects can initiate a retraining program for alligator wrestlers so that the Iguanas may bring a new life's blood to the soon to be extinct gator wrestling business.

A Case of Humble Pie

The lawyer we told you about a few weeks ago has taken a dose of humble pie. You will recall he was the one who told a Miami federal judge that she was "just a few french fries short of a happy meal." The judge had issued an order for the lawyer to show cause why he should not be barred from practice in the federal bankruptcy court in South Florida.

Well that wisecrack also has cost the lawyer his client, who fired him and his 1000 lawyer Chicago firm. It also cost him his position as head of his law firm's bankruptcy law practice.

Before appearing before the judge in response to the judge's order, the lawyer had decided that he would make a contribution to the Center for Ethics and Public Service at the University of Miami law school, which happens to be the judge's Alma Mater. He has agreed to do 200 hours of community service in Chicago, and his firm has said that it intends to increase its pro bono work in the Miami area.

Both the wisecracking lawyer and the head of the 1000 person firm appeared before the federal judge on June 20 and profusely apologized to the judge. The judge, after a recess and some thought, decided not to bar him from practice in her court. Instead, she ordered him to to take an online course in professionalism that is administered by the Florida Bar. The judge noted that, "There is no jurisdiction in the U.S. -- including the district where [the lawyer] regularly practices — where the expression and tone [he] used on May 7 would fall [with]in the bounds of acceptable behavior."

It's Tough In Federal Court in Florida

If you think North Carolina is tough on lawyers (having effectively removed a district attorney from office by pulling his license to practice), Florida may not be far behind in the toughness category. If you don't believe us, just ask the lawyer who told the judge in open court, that with all due respect, the judge might be just "a few french fries short of a happy meal." That Chicago-based lawyer is now in big trouble.

In trouble is a Chicago lawyer, from one of the bigger firms, who tangled with Judge Laurel Myerson Isicoff of the Federal Bankruptcy Court in Miami. She just happens to be the first woman appointed to be a bankruptcy judge in the Southern District of Florida and a veteran bankruptcy lawyer. She did not find humor the lawyer's comment. Read the transcript here.

The lawyer? Well, he'll have to get his rear end down to Miami on June 25, 2007 at 11:00 a.m.to explain to her honor why he should not be suspended from practice in her court. You can bet there will be many mea culpas in the works, especially at his hourly rate.

It's A Cat; It's A Rac; It's Ticket!

"We've been put on this planet and made caretaker of the planet, of the creatures here and of one another," he said. "At this point it appears we're not doing a very good job with any of those."

Those words come from a dedicated cat feeder. The Florida Fish & Wildlife Conservation Commission, however, doesn't seem to agree when it comes to feeding feral cats. The Commission seems to think the feeding is attracting not just cats but also raccoons, who a dedicated Officer says he's seen eating right along side the cats. Do you suppose the dishes were labeled, one for "Cat" and one for "Rac?"

The Fish and Wildlife Commission apparently has a piece of administrative code that outlaws putting out food or even your garbage "in such a manner that it attracts black bears, foxes, raccoons or sandhill cranes and thereby creates a public nuisance." An officer from the Commission has issued a $295 ticket to a well-meaning cat feeder.

So, when Bigfoot comes to your door for a visit, better be careful about feeding him. He may be followed by black bears, foxes, raccoons or sandhill cranes and you might be creating a public nuisance, not to mention aiding and abetting a stroll-away kitty.

A Swinging Door May Wake You Up

If you don't know where you are, a swinging door may do the trick. We see that's the solution the Florida Department of Business and Professional Regulation and the McGuire's came up with to end their spat over the signs on the doors to the restrooms that we blogged about here. Although the signs had been up for 10 years at McGuire's Destin location and 30 years at its Pensacola pub, the Department had found them to be confusing. It had threatened to close McGuire's for "lack of signage properly designating bathrooms."

Under the agreement, McGuire's will install a swinging door "labeled men or women as appropriate" in each of the bathrooms according to the Department's Secretary, Holly Benson. The additional doors will be installed after the main door of the bathroom and before the stalls.

This will give you a second chance to read the sign and get yourself in the right place. Well, maybe. Presumably, if you're too drunk or in too much of a hurry to read, when the swinging door hits you in the head, you'll either come to your senses or pee in your pants. Either way, you'll high tail it out of there. Problem solved.

Are You A $10 or $15 Plucker?

Did you watch the Democrats' Debate last night? The Republicans will have their turn on TV soon. In Congress, however, the debate has not been quite as lofty as it was last night. It's been about money all right, but the subject -- well, that's the curious thing. As we listened with fascination, it occurred to us that the proper home for such a discussion topic would be right here in the Southernmost City.

The subject was chicken plucking. That's with a "P" if you please. There are, after all, more chickens of all varieties in KW that need plucking than anywhere we can think of. In fact, many have turned into turkeys just waiting for things to hatch. But, back to Washington where the debate over chickens is raging. Here's what they're saying:

KENNEDY: “I would like the chicken pluckers to pay $10 or $15 an hour. They do not do it. They are not going to do it. Who are you trying to kid? Who is the Senator from North Dakota trying to fool?” [Senator Ted Kennedy, Congressional Record, S.6452, May 22, 2007]

DORGAN: “Mr. President, let me stand up and say a word on behalf of chicken pluckers. I had no idea that was the debate. But they will never get $15 an hour as long as we bring in cheap labor through the back door to pluck chickens.” [Senator Byron Dorgan, Congressional Record, S.6452, May 22, 2007]

If this is what they are doing with your spare change in the Senate wing of Nation's Capitol, imagine what they are doing with your real money.

BTW, both Senators are Democrats.

When You Gotta Go Should You Have To Read?

When the urge is there reading is the last thing on most folks minds. Most are on auto pilot. You find the sign and enter, assuming all the while you are in the right place. At McGuire's in Destin and Pensacola, however, reading is required. Not reading may get you to the wrong place, and the butt of an Irish joke as well.

bathrooms. The Department's bottom line seems to be that the sign can't have any fine print about gender or be confusing. It seems, however, that the Florida Department of Business and Professional Regulation thinks doing your "business" is serious business and in need of professional regulation. So this Department is enforcing its regulations to insure appropriate signage on Women's and Men'sWomen's can be "Ladies," of course. Men's can't be "Ladies" and certainly not "Girls."

To the Department, which is gender neutral, it's all too confusing. So it has told McGuire's to put up signage "properly designating bathrooms" or risk being shut down.

So here's our suggestion for McGuire's: The sign for the Men's might read: "Men (except when the line for the Women's room is out the door)." The sign for the Women's might read: "Women (hurry up so you don't have to go next door)." That should be clear, even to the Florida Department of Business and Professional Regulation.

The Key West Chicken Is A What?

Sonny McCoy says that fossile hunting archologists have discovered that the Key West Chicken is related to the Tyrannosaurus Rex as are "the strutting Roosters on this Island."

We wonder whether the relationships to Dinosaurs to which he is refering aren't closer than he may suspect and may be alive and well in City Hall doing business and writing legislation.

So, as Sonny has said, "when you see these proud descendents of the Dinosaur ages doing their thing here in Key West reflect on their dominance of the past and their beautifully colored plumage."

April 1 - Madness Day

"Have we become so politically correct, socially sensitive and journalistically wimpy that we can't make, or take, a joke?"

That's what Aly Colon at The Poynter Institute school for journalists asks.

Maybe so. One commenter went ape in response to the satirical post here on Friday about the Florida legislature. That reaction spawned a reply comment making the reader understand that the post was intended to be satire. Our oh so serious society seems to have forgotten that all humor does not have to be the in your face variety. The more subtle humor, in my view, is longer lasting and requires a bit more mindfulness, but the tickle factor is often just as strong.

Of course, some folks take everything they read, especially in the morning, literally. These are usually the ones who had a hard night or need to stay longer. Now, like most journalists, I'm happy when readers hang on every word as if it were iconic, but jeez, gang, by afternoon there comes a time to take a deep breath and lighten up. Just remember, five o'clock lasts most of the day in Key West.

The President's Man Does Rap

Here comes "M. C. Rove." Can you believe this?

For Our Detractors

And now, for our detractors out there, we found this bit of amusement.