Not Enough Babies Are Pooping

More than a year ago Kimberly-Clark, makers of "Huggies" diapers, announced it was closing the Corporation's Lakeview diaper plant and eliminating 510 jobs. In June of last year Kimberly-Clark laid off 105 employees. Some of those whose jobs were eliminated took early retirement. We don't know how many of those came to the Keys.

However, obviously the demand for diapers must have slowed. How can that be? Are babies pooping less? Although there may be fewer babies pooping, there is still plenty of poop in Key West. Maybe Kimberly-Clark could avoid more layoffs by providing diapers for all the chickens here in Key West - a kind of killing two birds with one diaper idea. Kimberly-Clark sells more diapers; Key West has less chicken poop. Everyone wins.

If the chickens are diapered, the chicken shelter the Assistant City Manager was once trying to build will never make it to the Superfund cleanup list no matter whether the chickens are rounded up, have escaped, been stolen or secretly released. Diapering beats trying to kidnap or kill them. Besides, diapers for the chickens certainly have a better chance with the City Commissioners than Truman Annex.

Maybe there will even be some left over diapers large enough to fit some of the commissioners who seem to be acting like chickens lately, now that elections are almost upon us. After all, if astronauts can wear diapers, why not the Commissioners?

For that matter, why not the TAMPOA Board and its lawyers. It may give them the stamina they'll need to sit through yet another round of mediation with the City come late October. Oh yes, in case you hadn't heard, thanks to being in federal court -- that brilliant idea hatched by the Board's lawyers and launched last February -- there is now to be more mediation with the City that wouldn't honor the first mediated agreement.

So we do hope, however, that they all (Commissioners, Board members, and lawyers for all sides, including the Navy) order their diapers early -- we wouldn't want any more workers to lose their jobs for lack of diaper demand. Besides, we've noticed that one size of diaper doesn't seem to fit all and some folks may need extra large, especially with the election and then the mediation coming. At the mediation alone there's likely to be enough methane generated to fill a greenhouse. When added to what will have been produced by the candidates and the BS generated during the election cycle, the need for diapers seems obvious. Who knows? Diapers may help the candidates contain themselves. As for the Board and lawyers? They're hopeless, unless, of course, the diapers were to be worn over their mouths.